Tiny Tina Dahl

by a.m. moscoso




" My Ex-Wife took everything from me " Corrin Ails said to no one in particular as he waited in line for the doors to the Village Place Mall to open.

"She took my home and my record collection and she even took my old photo album.

All that I had in there were pictures of me with my pets and dressed up at Halloween and I think there was one of me a holding a Brady Bunch lunchbox when I was 9 . Oh, and there were about four pictures of me on my first bike.

She told me I was an ugly kid. So what did she want with my childhood pictures?"

The woman standing in front of Corrin turned around and told him " I cut my wedding dress up and used it to scrub the kitchen floor the day I found out my ex-husband was getting remarried. I made that dress. Then I mailed it to his new wife. She slapped me with a restraining order and now I have to take anger managment classes. People do weird things when the realize a relationship is truly over."

" She burned that album on my front lawn " Corrin Ails went on "then the fire spread and burned my house down and she even killed me dog with rat poison. She used him to start the fire."

" No way. " the man standing in back of Corrin said.

" 'fraid so- three fire fighters died trying to put that thing out. "

" I heard about that, " the woman said have they caught her yet? "

" No. "

" I'd like to catch her " the Man in front of Corrin said, " I'd like to catch her in the headlights of my car if you get what I mean."

The Woman in front of Corrin said " she sounds like a bad woman."

" Her family used to call her Tiny Tina Dahl...just like that. It was her nickname...and no one seemed to care that it sounded like some freaky Special Edition collector's toy you get for buying something really big and expensive. Tiny Tina Dahl...she's so sweet and great with poisons and fire. Get your free Tiny Tina Dahl with your next purchase."

There was a chorus of snickers and Corrin went on. " Tiny Tina Dahl would take anything she could get her hands on...your house, your clothes, your money the Twinkies you keep hidden in your desk drawer at work for munchie attacks."

" Wow, she wasn't bad she was just evil. " someone further down the line said.

" Yeah " Corrin said " she was pretty good at taking things...she even stole my heart and she left me with nothing."

" You seem like a nice enough guy " the Woman said " you'll find someone new. You certainly won't find anybody WORSE."

Corrin reached for the top button on his shirt and said as faint as a dieing man's last breath, " You don't get it she stole my heart and left with me nothing "